Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I am Angry


Life has been crazy lately. Blogging has been the last thing on my mind.

Running has been going well. I feel good and I have gotten in a few good quality runs. On March 28th, I am running Lake Sonoma 50 mile so I hope I have a good run there.

I am full of all kinds of different emotions today: anger, resentment, sadness, loss of control, chaos. My mind is spinning and my heart is heavy. My Mom is sick. It's hard to even say the word.... Cancer. There, I said it. I wish it would go away. I feel sick inside. I don't want my Mom to be afraid or to feel pain. I only want a perfect life for her. Stress can make you sick. Cancer sick, I don't know. I suspect lingering stress can cause disease which is exactly why I don't want it bottling up in my body. It has been, though, and I must find a way to release it. I want absolutely no part of sick. I think I will go out for a run.

Cancer insists on its own time. If you try to defy it, it can break you, physically and spiritually. It doesn't know deadlines and vacations, it doesn't care if you are old or young. Cancer is analog in a digital world. If you have a Type A personality, you will need to adjust to Type C-for cancer. Each phase of the disease, diagnosis, surgery, radiation and other treatment- carries its own distinct sense of stepping outside traditional time, its own bitter flavor of dislocation. Cancer has a way of sneaking into a perfect world and silently taking up residence. Cancer sucks, and I hate it.

6 comments:

IM Able said...

I am so very sorry to hear this news. And yes, cancer absolutely does all of these things. It is undeniable.

But it is in the reflection of this disease that we learn more about strength, resilience, and personal spirit. I hope that in the months and years to come that you and your mother find these moments of grace in the folds of this disease. My thoughts are with you both.

HappyTrails said...

Kelly,
I am so sorry to hear about your mom.
Cancer does suck. I know. My mom was diagnosed 6 months ago with a vicious and rare type of appendix cancer. There is no cure other than God's healing. She actually goes in tomorrow morning for what her doc wryly describes as the MOAS (Mother of All Surgeries). It is nasty. The treatment following the surgery is not much better. We are just hoping for some time with some quality. I know exactly the shocked and turbulent feelings you are experiencing. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, your mom, and family. I agree with the comment above - even though this time seems awash in despair, somehow, for us at least, grace and strength has emerged. Never give up hope because there is always hope. Running is great therapy, too! :-) Keep your chin up and continue to Live Strong!
K

kelly said...

Dear IM ABLE, Thank you so much for the kind words. I am so sorry that I have forgotten your name, but your blog spoke to me so many times. I am glad to see that you are back. Our family is strong and I know that we will only grow stronger. Thank you so much, my friend.

kelly said...

Dear Kathleen,
Thanks so much! My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family tomorrow as your Mom has her surgery. I will never give up hope and I know that God heals too. It's just so hard to watch someone you love have to go through hardship and pain. It's just not fair. Thank you for your note, and know that I am, and will be praying for your Mom here in Santa Rosa.

Drs. Cynthia and David said...

Sorry to hear the bad news about your mom, Kelly. If she is anything like you, she has the guts to get through the difficulties, and she is blessed with your support. That means a lot in times of need. We'll be hoping she responds well to therapy.

Good luck with your upcoming race!

Cynthia

Victoria said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. My aunt is going through a second round of chemo right now and, as you said, it sucks. Sending you both supportive and healing thoughts.