Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I am Angry
Life has been crazy lately. Blogging has been the last thing on my mind.
Running has been going well. I feel good and I have gotten in a few good quality runs. On March 28th, I am running Lake Sonoma 50 mile so I hope I have a good run there.
I am full of all kinds of different emotions today: anger, resentment, sadness, loss of control, chaos. My mind is spinning and my heart is heavy. My Mom is sick. It's hard to even say the word.... Cancer. There, I said it. I wish it would go away. I feel sick inside. I don't want my Mom to be afraid or to feel pain. I only want a perfect life for her. Stress can make you sick. Cancer sick, I don't know. I suspect lingering stress can cause disease which is exactly why I don't want it bottling up in my body. It has been, though, and I must find a way to release it. I want absolutely no part of sick. I think I will go out for a run.
Cancer insists on its own time. If you try to defy it, it can break you, physically and spiritually. It doesn't know deadlines and vacations, it doesn't care if you are old or young. Cancer is analog in a digital world. If you have a Type A personality, you will need to adjust to Type C-for cancer. Each phase of the disease, diagnosis, surgery, radiation and other treatment- carries its own distinct sense of stepping outside traditional time, its own bitter flavor of dislocation. Cancer has a way of sneaking into a perfect world and silently taking up residence. Cancer sucks, and I hate it.